A Place for Mary to Rest Her Thoughts

I don’t know why but I love thinking over hypothetical questions, especially ones that will most certainly never come to fruition. A recent example being, “what would you do if you were at a party and Doug Funny, cartoon form and all, walked through the door?” A frequently asked, and often pondered question is, “If you could have one superpower what would it be.” I’m sure this is a question you’ve been asked, and you probably considered invisibility, flight, or even the power to read minds. But recently I am confident that I came up with the definitive answer: the ability, or rather the inability, to have to go to the bathroom. Before you start criticizing this choice, I would like to argue that this is not only the most sensible choice, but also supersedes all other powers in usefulness.  First consider how much of your time is wasted waiting in line for the bathroom, looking for a bathroom, stressing over the inability to locate a bathroom, and using a bathroom. Consider then, not only the time saved from this new power, but also the stress relieved from it. Imagine eating Taco Bell without fear of reprisal, a world of outdoor concerts without Porta-Johns, and road trips, my God the possibilities of road trips! Now you’re starting to see where I’m coming from.

Well maybe now you’re asking, “is that even a super power?” To which I answer, if it’s not I’m not sure how Super heroes exist! Sure Aquaman can just pee in the preverbal pool, but how the heck is Batman supposed to sustain his crime fighting at the intensity that Gotham warrants if he has to pee? Furthermore, I have yet to come across a superhero get up that looks easy to take on and off when nature calls. And if that suit should get wet in any way, forget it-ask anyone who’s ever had to put on a wet one piece swimming suit-it’s damn near impossible!

I could go on and on, but I think you get my point. So the next time you hear someone say their superpower would be flight you can scoff with confidence-flight? psst see how far you get with that. 

The other day I was walking to the LA DMV trying to register for a California driver’s license when I noticed a long line of people-which didn’t seem weird for a DMV at all. As I got closer, a security guard informed me that the computer system was down and so the DMV was effectively closed until the problem was fixed. I was mildly disappointed that I came out only to find out that I couldn’t get my license, but decided that I’d just come back another day.

That’s when I heard a British man say, to no one in particular, “This is absolutely ridiculous! It’s like living in a third world country.” Nope. No, in fact sir it’s absolutely not like that at all. And the more I thought, the more I realized that the simile he used could not have been more misused. The simile is a rhetorical device that compares two things using like or as.  Rando British guy chose to compare the computer issues of the DMV with a third world country. However, the complete inability to continue work when a technological apparatus fails that was invented to streamline and ease workload is an irony reserved for developed nations (I learned in 9^th grade Cultural Geography that the term “first world” and “third world” are outdated and offensive: strike two British guy.) Furthermore, in my three minutes of research it appears extremely easy to obtain a driver’s license in both Guatemala and Tanzania-two countries that are considered developing nations. One forum reported that in Guatemala you don’t even need to be present to receive your license. So again, the difficulty to obtain a license seems to be a uniquely developed country’s issue.

 But most importantly, calm the hell down British man. You were at the DMV at 2 pm on a weekday. You obviously had some time on your hands. It’s not like the DMV has a reputation for being convenient, so quit being so fucking dramatic. 

Recently I’ve come to terms with the fact that I love shitty, mass-produced top 40 music, and quite frankly I’m tired of hiding it. I’m not going to lie anymore-if a Justin Bieber song comes on the radio I’m gonna jam out to it. I adored anything Usher in it, and quite frankly miss 3LW.

And I’ll be the first to admit it’s because I have shitty taste in music. I know hipsters and all those that pride themselves on being indie will look down on me but I need to start embracing me lack of taste. And this is not to say Band of Horses is a bad band-I’m just saying I don’t know who the hell they are past their name.

 The thing is, when I was in elementary school I was like “ugh, Hanson is the worst!” But now, if someone put on Mmbop at a party I’d be the first one to start scatting along to the lyrics. And I feel like we all would, because before you would sell your sister to see an Arcade Fire concert, you’d do the same to see N’SYNC-and you’re sister would be wrong to protest. Because pop music is awesome; it’s like fast food- not good for you and you don’t feel full after it-but damned if it’s not fun to consume. So let’s just cut out the mandatory 5-year middleman years in between a song’s release date and when you can play it ironically at a party, and just accept it right away.  Because I will put money on the fact that in five years Justin Bieber’s “One time” will be just as funny to recollect as O-Town’s “Liquid Dreams”-and that’s saying a lot for Bieber. 

I’ve been told I’m a pretty hyperbolic person, in fact I’m probably the most hyperbolic person you’ll ever meet in your entire life-see what I mean? Recently I realized I use the phrase “to save my life” a lot. For example, “oh, God I can’t spell to save my life” which doesn’t really make sense because a) when would you ever have to spell your way out of death and b) if I can’t spell under normal circumstances my chances of doing it under mortal circumstances are even lower. So I decided to come up with a list of ten things that properly make us of the phrase:

1)   I couldn’t perform the Heimlich maneuver to save my life.

2)   ….Use a fire extinguisher

3)   …Maintain a healthy weight

4)   ….Quit smoking

5)   …Identify poisonous plants

6)   …Construct a tourniquet

7)    …Reason with a terrorist

8)   …Defuse a bomb

9)   …Navigate out of the desert

10) …Out swim a shark

There are many traditions that set America uniquely apart: apple pie, baseball, and the hazing of new minority populations.  From alerting Irish immigrants they “Need Not Apply” to telling African Americans they counted for only 3/5^th of a person; majority Americans have been having fun putting minorities through a few obstacles before we accepted them into the fold. Because while we may be a melting pot, and a nation of immigrants, we as Americans like to take our political cues from one of our finest institutions: fraternities.

 Now a days it seems like the United States has new group to haze: Latinos. Just consider yourselves the incoming freshmen class of America-but instead of carrying the water around to earn our respect you’ll be mowing our lawns, cleaning our hotels, and watching the kids of our rich.

Don’t get upset, we put almost all of our new minorities through a series of hazing-like circumstances designed to test their endurance and resiliency, but don’t worry after some 400 years of unofficial hazing (unofficial yes-don’t you dare tell the ACLU, be cool about this man,) we’ve gotten better of the subtleties involved. We admit we went too hard on the Native Americans-but what can we say it was our first job? And don’t worry; we won’t make you sit in the back of the bus- because then who’d drive it?

What can you expect from the process? Shitty jobs, new albeit inaccurate nicknames (again, our B Indians.), oh and profiling, lots and lots of profiling. But when it’s all said and done you’ll be considered Americans and we’ll all look back on this time and laugh and laugh (is blackface okay to joke about yet?). Oh, and once we’re done we’ll most likely be racked with guilt, or more accurately a sense of “oh shit someone was recording this!” at which point we’ll shower you with special privileges-such as token characters on our children’s television programs, and holidays designed for the masses to get shitfaced on! (Hey look at that, between Dora and Cinco de Mayo you may be closer than you thought!)

So hang in there Latinos! Keep working hard and taking all of our hazing in stride and heck some day we might even elect one of you President, but don’t get ahead of yourself-African Americans had to go through a lot of shit first.