I don’t know why but I love thinking over hypothetical questions, especially ones that will most certainly never come to fruition. A recent example being, “what would you do if you were at a party and Doug Funny, cartoon form and all, walked through the door?” A frequently asked, and often pondered question is, “If you could have one superpower what would it be.” I’m sure this is a question you’ve been asked, and you probably considered invisibility, flight, or even the power to read minds. But recently I am confident that I came up with the definitive answer: the ability, or rather the inability, to have to go to the bathroom. Before you start criticizing this choice, I would like to argue that this is not only the most sensible choice, but also supersedes all other powers in usefulness. First consider how much of your time is wasted waiting in line for the bathroom, looking for a bathroom, stressing over the inability to locate a bathroom, and using a bathroom. Consider then, not only the time saved from this new power, but also the stress relieved from it. Imagine eating Taco Bell without fear of reprisal, a world of outdoor concerts without Porta-Johns, and road trips, my God the possibilities of road trips! Now you’re starting to see where I’m coming from.
Well maybe now you’re asking, “is that even a super power?” To which I answer, if it’s not I’m not sure how Super heroes exist! Sure Aquaman can just pee in the preverbal pool, but how the heck is Batman supposed to sustain his crime fighting at the intensity that Gotham warrants if he has to pee? Furthermore, I have yet to come across a superhero get up that looks easy to take on and off when nature calls. And if that suit should get wet in any way, forget it-ask anyone who’s ever had to put on a wet one piece swimming suit-it’s damn near impossible!
I could go on and on, but I think you get my point. So the next time you hear someone say their superpower would be flight you can scoff with confidence-flight? psst see how far you get with that.